Setting Limits 101: the secret to getting respect

The secret is to get a handle on Setting Limits.

The challenge is on! Continue reading to get your much-needed makeover and seriously begin taking care of yourself.

You will need to commit to doing it different.  New thinking . . . new action.

And because of your resolve, you will:

  • respect yourself
  • eliminate most reasons to resent others
  • show caring for others
  • communicate what you want, and what you expect
  • model for others how to respect themselves

So why do you think it’s so darn hard to set limits?

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Setting Limits

Have you ever felt like the PROVERBIAL DOORMAT ?

At work? With your partner or spouse?  With your children?  When YOU were a kid?

It’s because you weren’t taking care of yourself by SETTING LIMITS.

Limits are important because . . .

  • You respect yourself

  • You eliminate most reasons to resent others

  • You show caring for others

  • You communicate what you expect

  • You model for others how to respect themselves

I know . . . easier said than done, right?

 Setting Limits can feel uncomfortable — or even impossible —  because . . .

  •  You feel guilty
  • Asking for what you want is just selfish.

  • It’s futile and you’ll just “cave” the next time

  • You want to be “nice” and cooperative, and have others like you

  • You’re afraid of conflict.  God forbid someone gets upset or mad at you.

  • You want to look like the “good” or flexible person (as compared to the other one)

  • As a kid, your boundaries we not respected . . . or were violated.

Ignoring an issue with someone will NOT MAKE IT GO AWAY.  It might even make it worse.

You can waste tons of time and energy. . . endlessly going over someone’s disrespectful behavior toward you.  Don’t make excuses for their actions, either!

“Grow a pair”!  Be courageous and take charge!

 The steps for SETTING LIMITS:

  • Honor your feelings.  Feeling BAD about something that’s happened is great because now it’s got your attention!  You want something different here.

  • Get real clear about what you want.  About what you’re willing to do, and what you’re not willing to do.

  • Find a good time to get with the other person, then use an “I” statement.
    Say, “I want. . .”, or “I feel. . .”, etc.  This is about you owning where you are,  and not about blaming, shaming, laying on guilt, exaggerating, complaining, or making the other person wrong. Do this step ASAP to prevent becoming unnecessarily resentful!

  • Stick to your guns.  Be consistent and follow through.  Don’t be “all talk” and “no action”.

You now have a plan . . . so figure out where you most want to set limits . . . and get to it!

Results Parenting teaches how to set limits.  To become more skilled in doing this, look at our Parenting Training and Coaching program.  We can help you with your relationships with your kids, and with adults.  (Adults are just big kids)

Please leave your comments below.

Time Out only works in sports. Parenting is not a sporting event.

Sometimes people ask why in the world Ross and I are so passionate about parenting education. Once in awhile I hear, “oh, that’s interesting. I have a nephew who really needs that!” Or maybe, “my parents did okay with me. I turned out fine.” And we all know what John Lennon said so beautifully: “Love is All You Need”.

So. . . consider this little story:

Three different guys go to a doctor for different issues. The 1st guy tells the doc that he’s almost always constipated; the 2nd guy tells the doc that he has a terrible pain in his heel; and the 3rd guy tells the doc that he’s been coughing for two solid weeks. The doctor said, “Well, I can help every one of you! I’ll remove your appendixes. Last week, I had a patient who felt terrible. I removed his appendix and he felt fine!”

OMG!! Would you trust a doctor like this? What kind of diagnostic procedure did he use?

Plus, he believed one solution would work for every issue.

So when our daughters were little (hollering was totally a throat-killer while the girls quickly turned deaf, and spanking was really not an option), the only solution that felt worthy was

Da da da DAH ! presenting. . .TIME OUT!

I started using time out for anything I considered inappropriate behavior. What a waste THAT was! Oh man, I had thought I could motivate my 3-year-old to change from knocking her sister over on her head to being sweet, cooperative and a loving little sibling (I did, after all, have my degree in education). Whoa! It didn’t take long before it became totally clear that there must be other ways to help with behavioral issues. Time out is a loser.

It’s NEVER a one-size-fits-all.

Plus, what the heck were we doomed for when the girls got to be teenagers? (that’s when TIME OUT turns into “YOU’RE GROUNDED”) Can’t wait. . .

If we don’t learn some real tools here, we will be in deep doo-doo. I can sing that Beatles’ song like a maniac because I truly do love my kids, but the real truth here is that they arrived into this world with no Owner’s Manual.

But, the awesome thing in all this is that YOU have found Results Parenting. Very soon you will learn more about all the amazing – and highly effective – skills that we can teach you to help create the kind of family that I know you really are wanting: I KNOW you want those kids to learn to cooperate, be responsible, feel great about themselves, handle peer pressure, and learn what it takes to create close and loving relationships.

And to raise them without punishment or being permissive. (Really).

Here’s an action step for you:
Every day for one week look for ONE thing that is truly awesome about your son or daughter, and write it down. Share it with them if you feel so moved. But for right now, it might be a challenge observing only ONE thing, because once you begin looking for what you appreciate, you’ll discover many more. (yep, this simple action has magic!)

If this was valuable to you please pass it along to a friend. You can direct them to our site at and encourage them to sign up so they can start receiving the same valuable information that you are.

p.s. Keep watching and reading…Results Parenting will have some very exciting news to share soon!