One of the Worst Parenting Tools Ever
The use of “time out” is relatively new and has its share of critics and supporters.
Originally, “time out” was intended to isolate or separate (socially exclude) a misbehaving child for a short period of time, usually 5 to 15 minutes, as a calming-down time and to discourage inappropriate behavior.
In our own parenting experience, and also in working with our clients, we realized that
time out was used pretty much exclusively in an attempt to discipline (replaced by “you’re grounded” with older kids). Instead of stopping to assess the situation, then deciding on the best approach or solution, parents habitually press the “time out” button. Most likely, this is due to the fact that unless people deliberately learn effective parenting techniques, they have extremely limited options in their “toolbag”. Continue reading
The secret is to get a handle on Setting Limits.
The challenge is on! Continue reading to get your much-needed makeover and seriously begin taking care of yourself.
You will need to commit to doing it different. New thinking . . . new action.
And because of your resolve, you will:
- respect yourself
- eliminate most reasons to resent others
- show caring for others
- communicate what you want, and what you expect
- model for others how to respect themselves
So why do you think it’s so darn hard to set limits?
Have you ever felt like the PROVERBIAL DOORMAT ?
At work? With your partner or spouse? With your children? When YOU were a kid?
It’s because you weren’t taking care of yourself by SETTING LIMITS.
Limits are important because . . .
You respect yourself
You eliminate most reasons to resent others
You show caring for others
You communicate what you expect
You model for others how to respect themselves
I know . . . easier said than done, right?
Setting Limits can feel uncomfortable — or even impossible — because . . .
- You feel guilty
Asking for what you want is just selfish.
It’s futile and you’ll just “cave” the next time
You want to be “nice” and cooperative, and have others like you
You’re afraid of conflict. God forbid someone gets upset or mad at you.
You want to look like the “good” or flexible person (as compared to the other one)
As a kid, your boundaries we not respected . . . or were violated.
Ignoring an issue with someone will NOT MAKE IT GO AWAY. It might even make it worse.
You can waste tons of time and energy. . . endlessly going over someone’s disrespectful behavior toward you. Don’t make excuses for their actions, either!
“Grow a pair”! Be courageous and take charge!
The steps for SETTING LIMITS:
Honor your feelings. Feeling BAD about something that’s happened is great because now it’s got your attention! You want something different here.
Get real clear about what you want. About what you’re willing to do, and what you’re not willing to do.
Find a good time to get with the other person, then use an “I” statement.
Say, “I want. . .”, or “I feel. . .”, etc. This is about you owning where you are, and not about blaming, shaming, laying on guilt, exaggerating, complaining, or making the other person wrong. Do this step ASAP to prevent becoming unnecessarily resentful!
Stick to your guns. Be consistent and follow through. Don’t be “all talk” and “no action”.
You now have a plan . . . so figure out where you most want to set limits . . . and get to it!
Results Parenting teaches how to set limits. To become more skilled in doing this, look at our Parenting Training and Coaching program. We can help you with your relationships with your kids, and with adults. (Adults are just big kids)
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